Parsimonious

I’ve said it time and time again: I don’t like to tell people my problems because I don’t want to burden them with things I feel they may find unnecessary. But when I have something on my mind as important as this–I’m in no position to keep it to myself.

I’m going to be completely vulnerable with you on this blog. Not to say that on my other blogs I am not, but in regards to today’s topic I feel it’s important that I am. Lately, no not even lately. For months I have had this overwhelming feeling of inadequacy looming over me like a storm cloud. Sometimes it rains and sometimes it drizzles. I have had this voice inside my head alliterating over and over “you are not good enough.”  I have felt like my grades aren’t high enough, and my blogs aren’t deep enough. I have told myself time and time again that I am not a good enough daughter to my parents–by no fault of them, but just simply me telling myself this. I have told myself that it is absolutely ludicrous that I would ever become an author because I am simply not good enough, and neither is my writing. The thing that worries me most is the overwhelming feeling of hatred from my friends. I’m not saying that my friends hate me–I would hope they don’t, but sometimes just sometimes I like to tell myself that I am all alone.  And I know this sounds crazy because I have straight A’s this semester, how could I possibly feel like my grades aren’t good enough? I get tons of views and compliments on my blogs, so how could they be bad? And my parents constantly tell me how proud they are of me, so how could I ever disappoint them?

“I look back at my life as if I’m bobbing in the deep sea, treading water as efficiently as possible, always to keep my head from sinking below that water line, sinking into a sense of inadequacy. I’ve been treading water for a long time – so long I forget that I’m doing it. I’m pretty good at it by now. I rarely feel much at risk of drowning, thanks to a lifetime of  practice.”- Jeremy Sherman, Ph.D

The thing about inadequacy is you don’t get to choose when you get the feeling. It’s like anxiety, it looms it’s ugly head whenever it so feels. If it wants to break a barrier it will. If it wants to suffocate and isolate you it will. That’s what it does to me, it isolates me from people. It makes me feel as if the individuals that mean the most to me don’t reciprocate that feeling. I think everyone is able to relate to what I’m saying here in one way or another. At some point in our lives each and every one of us have struggled with feelings of inadequacy or self doubt. You have talked yourself out of amazing opportunities because for some reason you count yourself out before you even start. You’re breaking down walls that were just built with no help from mother earth. Inadequacy makes you painfully aware of every single thing you do, with no regards to whether it was wrong or right.

This world can make you feel like you’re not good enough or that you have to act like someone you’re not. We can easily get caught up in the lies of social media that tell you who you have to be. It’s almost effortless to get absorbed in everyone elses perceptions of who we are that you truly do forget who you are, because the only voices left inside of your head are the ones telling you that you aren’t good enough. Whatever or whoever it is that’s making you feel like you’re not worthy, know that its wrong. And if you’re like me, in the sense that you like to isolate yourself from absolutely everything–stop. Because one of the worst things you can do is lock yourself into a metaphorical closet and board it up with wood and nails. You cant give your mind total control and you certainly shouldn’t give it to other people either.

It wasn’t until I had my friends tell me that it seemed as if I was hurting that I realized how deep in the water I truly was. It is so easy for me, and so many others to camouflage our feelings. It took a lot of prayer and one service at paradigm to make me realize that what I’ve been feeling is all in my head. I am not an accurate reflection of the negative opinions I form in my head–neither are you.

I can’t tell you exactly how to feel less inadequate. That would be a dangerous prescription. Ultimately, the feelings of inadequacy will never dissipate. They will still linger over you like a gray storm cloud. How you choose to handle the cloud is up to you. You don’t have to listen to other peoples opinions and you sure enough don’t have to submit to your own.  It is pertinent that you pay attention to your emotions because it is so easy to get intertwined in them. Not every single day is going to be sunshine and rainbows–sometimes it’s cloudy and storming. That’s okay. Nobody is perfect and we should stop trying to be. So many individuals lose themselves trying to be someone else. It is okay to not be okay, but it’s equally as important to address why you aren’t ok.

I trapped myself in that metaphorical closet I just mentioned for months. I didn’t realize just how lost and sad I had become. I didn’t realize how far in the ocean I had sunk. Yes, my grades were fine (and still are), yes I still had friends, and yes my parents are still proud of me–but it never felt that way. I felt that I was a failure in every sense of the word. And it took me a long time to come out of this state of isolation. I’m telling you this so that if any of you are reading this and can relate to every single word on this blog it helps you in some way. It lets you see yourself in a light that you cant. I promise you, you are enough. Don’t let yourself think you aren’t, because sometimes we’re our own worst enemies.

At the end of the day this life you’re living is the only one you get. Make the best of it. Through all of the good and bad its important to remind yourself who you are, how far you’ve come, and remind yourself where you’re going.

-T.T.

One thought on “Parsimonious

  1. NaNa Banana says:

    You are so enough from your internal beauty and kind heart to your exterior beauty and strength. Remember whose you are and you know that you were created in his image and he is perfection. You are special, you aren’t perfect, you like me are a continuous work in progress. You are loved by many, disrespected by some, better off than most but to us you are perfect just being YOU.

    Liked by 1 person

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